Overlooked aspect of love
There’s been so much talk about love and how important it is to open our hearts to its possibilities. With all the different opinions out there, it’s easy to feel somewhat overwhelmed or even tune it out sometimes. But can we consider the possibility that loving and being loved can be difficult based on who we are as individuals? Loving is hard for certain people because of who they’ve been brought up to be and the ideologies they’ve formed over the years. And in such cases, there has to be healing before loving can take place.
Intergenerational Transmission
This brings to light the concept of intergenerational transmission and its significant impact on our relationships, both platonic and romantic. Have you ever noticed that you’ve subconsciously grown to become a mini version of your parents or guardians? You’ve come to talk and behave like they do. You’ve imbibed their traits, both the good ones and even those that you’ve always thought questionable.
How our upbringing affects loving relationships
While growing up, we learned about relationships primarily by observing our parents or caregivers. Children who grow up in a loving and enabling environment are usually able to build and sustain healthy relationships. But children who grow up in an environment where love is conditional, communication is poor, conflict leads to aggression or withdrawal often internalize those dynamics as normal and this goes on to affect their ability to build relationships. They experience difficulty trusting people, cannot communicate effectively, and have managing their emotions. They also suffer a deep fear of abandonment, making it impossible to develop any form of intimacy.
Disrupting negative patterns
The good news is awareness, reflection, and putting in quality work towards healing can help disrupt these negative patterns. It is important to consciously unlearn all the negatives and focus on learning the positives. Some helpful steps include signing up for therapy or counseling, developing emotional literacy which helps to name and express feelings safely, and also setting boundaries to protect from repeating harmful family dynamics.
Road to healing
The journey to healing can be long and rough. But understanding intergenerational transmission helps people see that many of their relational struggles are not personal failings but inherited patterns. Recognizing this allows for compassion for oneself and previous generations. It also creates the space to break terrible cycles and consciously build something different. So, before you get into a new relationship, try taking one or two steps backwards and see if some healing needs to take place before you can start loving. That way, you can wholesomely enjoy all the love that abounds around you.
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