“I do not know” Reggs nonchalantly blurts out, not thinking. I raise my eyebrows with disgust. Sadly, she does not notice. It is a familiar response though; Liana would say just the same thing. It feels as though Reggs reserves her genuine self for outside our interactions. I let it slide in the moment and let her ask her next question. We are asking questions alternately to get to know each other. It is our third date. Reggs sits from across me in a silk red midi dress that perfectly accentuates her curves. Beaming with smiles and confidence, her next question is; “what is the animal you abhor the most?”
Smiles. I hesitate, I look into her weary eyes to see if she is ready for the answer to come, they look unapologetically eager, desperate to get to know me. So, I give in. “Austin hates the chameleon”, I say. She looks at me with so many questions in her eyes, I bet she thinks the chameleons are such beautiful animals.
“Liana“, I impulsively add. At this point, her questioning eyes have turned to confusion, one she expresses by leaning back in the chair and folding both hands to her chest. Her next question is one that I very much anticipate. “Who is Liana?” Reggs inquired.
“Okay? Chameleon???” Reggs’ already frustrated look read that my words did not seem to make meaning.
“Liana embodied the very nature of a chameleon”, I start. “
I was never able to cross the emotional boundary Liana sought or maybe I just could not with her. I thought she was wasting her time falling for me, but it would have been painful to see her hurt. When she expressed her feelings, I said nothing about how I felt because it would affect her. So, I let her continue to express her feelings and stuck with her till I met her true self.
I had always valued my friendship with her, but the moment the mask was off, she fell off my radar. Liana acted differently with her friends than she did with me. Though emotions are a language I’ve never been able to speak, she made sure we didn’t walk the sandy paths together the moment her colour changed. I know she’s felt more than friendship. It initially pained me to see her hurt, but I cared less the moment her green skin from the green grasses turned brown as we approached sandy areas.
At first, I thought it was just a stumble but it was a mask all along. I did not try to explain, I did not fancy having to explain myself. It was different in the beginning, I had once tried to show her that my numbness wasn’t a reflection of her worth. Though the hope in Liana’s eyes was obvious, the longing for a connection, I could not and would not provide that to a masked lady.
I know she had to accept that our bond will never be like it was – a deep and abiding friendship, most especially the love she once desired. And I hope she knows that, in my own way, I cared for her deeply – even if I did not feel it anymore the moment she turned brown.
Reggs, you are like Liana, you act so differently with me than when you are with other people.
I look up at Reggs; she’s now sitting upright, tapping her right foot anxiously. Her already cloudy eyes twitch, she muffles with what seems like her last breaths, her voice faint, “I do not understand, Austin, why are you saying this now?”
“This is not it, Reggs,” I say vaguely, not considering how she felt.
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