Maybe You Shouldn’t Ask Them Out

Maybe you shouldn’t ask them out. At least, if you really had to think about it. Maybe they are just objects of misplaced affection. If we don’t know anything at all, we do know how hurtful unrequited love can be. So yeah, maybe you shouldn’t ask them out. Oyinkan Braithwaite did say, “Love is not a weed, it cannot grow anywhere it pleases.” 

Requited love is a bit more intentional than we see in movies and romance paperbacks. Someone doesn’t just start to like you because you like them. It doesn’t work that way, and if it does, it is definitely not normal… if your partner likes you, you will know, or at the very least have a hunch. Yeah, yeah, some are good at shrouding these feelings, but the majority aren’t. So first things first, before you drop the “will you date me” bomb on, God forbid, someone who doesn’t like you, maybe you should check out a few things. 

So, what are these things? Now you know they don’t like you, and hell, I just saved you from a miserable heartbreak, what is the next step? Well, maybe it is to get to know how this attraction works. In social animals, according to Elliot Aronson, there are some things that can incite attraction. Just some things you should know. A tit from here and a tat from there and you are headed to really understand what’s going on. 

To begin with, Aronson believes attraction is partly determined by the comparison level of the alternatives. If you’ve noticed, many of you were hotcakes back at secondary school, at 5ft 9 you were probably the tallest in your set, and with just a pointed nose and pink lips you had the girls drooling, but things played out a little differently when you got to college. The reason is obvious, it wasn’t just the usual 30 boys per class, it had jumped to over a hundred, so the alternatives were more so girls didn’t really need to settle for you when they could get someone hotter. Though this might not be that straightforward, yeah, people want to feel good, but there are also motives to it as well. 

So according to Elliot Aronson, there are five constant factors we are always considering before choosing a lover, but I am going to talk about the first four. Proximity, Similarity (who we think are similar to us), Attractiveness, and Who likes us. In simple terms, Elliot believed that these factors take precedence while a person considers a date or a future partner,  but let’s cut it down to our size, we are talking about asking them to date you.

For the first one,

Proximity is definitely a key factor. Asking someone who lives 2 days away from you might not be the best option. Sure, it might work for some people, but those are the lesser percentages.  If the odds were ever to be in your favour, you should opt for someone closer, proximity is important. However, excess of it can stink. Having someone who lives 2 doors from you isn’t exactly the type of proximity you are looking for. Space is important. 

Secondly, similarity.

Though similarities might not be needed to spark up attraction, peradventure the other party has their other factors amped. Nevertheless, similarities do play a big role. Look at it like you are going for a long term kind of thing, if there are no similarities, how would it work? 

Next up is attractiveness.

I doubt I can overemphasize. Most people won’t date anyone less attractive than them. Unfair, yes, but it is fact. We are prone to looking for someone just as or more attractive than us. So maybe that explains why she/he hasn’t been answering your calls or agreeing to those beautiful dates. Trust me, it isn’t cowardice, if you decide you have to date someone less attractive because someone more physically attractive won’t like you. And according to psychoanalysis, it is what most people would do. In social animals, Elliot linked it to self-esteem. 

However I love to agree attractiveness come in different forms save for the popular “physical ” make-up, there is style, charisma ( Oh Gosh, some people would woo you before you even get to see their face), money (important), and whatever you hold highly enough to pick you out of the crowd… Regardless, it is not easy for unattractive folks, as much as you try to push it aside. Beauty is a big bomb in this whole process. And no doubt,  more often than not, other good traits like confidence tag along. Most times, our hearts follow our eyes but be assured with time, the eyes follow the heart. In line with the common saying, what is beautiful is good — but what is good becomes beautiful.

They have to like you.

Ahhh, do you go asking out someone that wouldn’t even pick your calls, or take forever to because if you did matter it would be otherwise. No one, absolutely, no one won’t want to spend time with those they love, so if she/he does like you, you would know. They will give you attention, so don’t go breaking your heart. 

To round it all up, attraction, love, relationship is less logical than you would think, most people would say luck. But is it? Maybe you shouldn’t ask them out, but who will you ask out then? I think when the time does come, you will know. It is chaos out there. Knowing there’s always a better person, love has become a gamble. Regardless, if you get too stuck up on one person, you might not see the other person who has clicked on all your four constant factors. It is not new, it is normal. It happens. 

However, one thing is certain, and that’s we all want to be loved. We want to be taken care of, but maybe they are not the ones, maybe you are looking at the wrong person. Sad? yes, but you should thank me, the impending heartbreak would have been much worse. So go ye unto the world, rich with knowledge, and make the right choice.

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