Dear First Love,
Remember these words?… Katy Perry sang it best you know;
“Unconditional, unconditionally
I will love you unconditionally. “
The lyrics from the song “unconditionally” blast into my ears through my headphones and pierce my heart making my memory of you vivid. I remember the long walks we took every other Saturday on which you did most of the talking because I was very content just to listen and only chip in when necessary. You would always sing me this song with your oh so sonorous voice when the walk was coming to an end. It was your best song and you would always tell me this anytime I complained saying “this song again?”. I should be tired of the words and the rhythm but the memory of you singing it to me always keeps it on repeat for a while before I move on.
“There is no fear now
Let go and just be free”
How unfortunate it is that you tried time and time again to hammer in with this song what you already said plainly so many times … that I should let you in, that I should give you a chance, that I should give love a chance.
I still have your love letters you know? I keep them in a special box tied with a pretty pink ribbon. I read them when I reminisce about the moments with you. My favourite is the prank letter you wrote me, telling me you were done trying to make me admit what you already knew and that I was gullible to believe that you loved me, but then the second note attached to it had written on it the word “GOT YA!” in letters so huge they covered half the note and you went on to explain that you loved me more than I could ever know and that I was the smartest, most beautiful person in the world to you and saying that I was gullible would make you the most stupid person in the universe, you wrote that you would not stop until I said the words ” I love you” because you knew I did. I was relieved because the first note had left me terrified, crushed even. It was in that moment that I realised that I did love you and you were my first love, I wanted to throw all caution into the wind, run out and hug you like my life depended on it and then scream into the night those sacred words ” I love you ” but instead what did I do? I simply folded the letter and kept it with the others while fear my anchor did its job holding me down to my bed.
I loved fairytales but I was a realist, the hybrid plan had always been that my first love would be the one I would tie the knot with, the one I will spend the rest of my life with and live happily ever after. We were so young, and there was no way to make myself believe you were the one. We had very divergent paths, once we left these gates to follow those paths the chance that we would ever meet again were close to none.” Why start something we can’t finish, it all ends at the gate ” I always told you and that was all I told you. Maybe I was right or maybe that was just fear talking again but I should have told you you were special, that I loved your heart, I loved your smile, I loved the way your eyes twinkled every time you were speaking about something you loved, I loved the oh so sweet gestures you made just to let me know you were thinking of me like secretly placing a red rose in my bag along with your signature sweet note. Most of all, I should have told you that I loved you too.
You were right, I should have given you a chance, I should have given our love a chance. Why didn’t I?… because I was scared, but I’ve come to realise that fear is just an excuse, one that is not worth it, an illusion I objectified into an obstacle and now I’m left with thoughts of what could have been. I will try to find succour in the fact that you knew I loved you but I will always regret not admitting it. Wherever you are I hope you are happy, I hope you are with a beauty whose love for you is genuine as your love for me was. I hope with all my heart that she tells you every day how much she loves you and that fear never gets in the way. If you ever see this I want you to know that I am sorry for all the pain I caused you, you did so much and I should have done more. If you don’t see this letter and it gets lost in this vast cyberspace then at least my heart has been bared and I finally said all I should have said.
Still, Katy Perry sang it best you know, I guess you are and will always be “the one that got away”.
Yours sincerely,
Your first love.
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