King Arthur’s Infinity News Table 2

Government commissions new suicide memorial centres for the suicides of 2021. The statement released states, “It is much easier to mourn this needless loss of life in advance than to change anything.”

“The nation doesn’t have money for batteries to power up Buhari’s clone.” Vice president Osinbajo, says in a press conference.

New law makes it legal for SWAT officers to bomb possible internet fraudsters.

Governors of at least five Nigerian states admit that their favourite hobby is to curl up in bed and cry to Billie Eilish like sad teenage girls.

Government claims not to be able to find a retirement home big enough for all the ancient politicians in power

Studies confirm that you’re a piece of shit and all your friends hate you.

Buhari says his insecurity about his hollow cheekbones, prevent him from addressing the nation more often, as Osinbajo reassures him that he is beautiful just the way he is.

New law makes it legal to kill people if your networth is over $100 million dollars

Local man questions whether it is okay to keep one’s wife locked up and collared as a sex slave in a symbol of submission. The general consensus is yes but some women object and say one’s wife should at least have an adjacent toilet.

Elon Musk embarks on a new project to freeze the sun. When asked why in an interview, he said, “ I just want to see what happens. It’d be cool, you know?”

NASA discovers new planet, and President Buhari welcomes the extraterrestrial life forces, and then proceeds to beg them for money. Babianla style.

Dinosaur awakes from century long hibernation, shocked to discover Tinubu is still 69.

FG bans all currency, says money is the root of all evil

Buhari lifts jail sentence for homosexuality, says he never realised how much he agreed with US about gay rights till they started asking for their money back.

Panic as Soji freezes after picking 20 naira. Soji’s mum, dad, teacher, chief priest all frozen solid as everyone avoids touching them.

AOT fans search for a show to repeat a toxic cycle of heartbreak they will most definitely continue for the rest of their miserable lives.

Educating men that rape and violence against women reduces size of male genitals has reduced rape and domestic violence by 25%.

Nation never cleaner since pollution was declared very homo.

Resident lion forced to eat worms due to poverty. Simba reports that they’re are “slimy yet satisfying” but we think it’s just sapa.

Motivational speaker, Jay Shetty advices you to kill yourself after a failure so you never fail. His lack of testimonies indicate high success rates.

Government says failure to register for NIN is worse than murder and shall attract the death penalty

An autopsy on dead OAU student reveals that he died of whining from his colleagues.

Thousands in shock as celebrity engages in completely normal human activity yet again.

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