King Arthur’s Infinity News Table

Don’t the news headlines we see nowadays seem more and more like jokes or like something straight out of Rick and Morty’s Interdimensional tv? Wouldn’t it be better to calm down and read actual fake news?

The Headlines for the Week

Forty months of prayer and fasting declared by MAN and CAN finally increases Nigeria’s GDP by 300%. We thank God.

Retired Federal Government workers tired of being treated like shit, demand to be treated as scented manure instead.

Fuel price in Nigeria jacked up to #250 per liter, as President Buhari says he wants the fuel price to be exactly his age.

Insecurity: House suspends Buhari's scheduled appearance

Nigerian lectures come up with a new torture tactic, otherwise known as assignment where students submit one of their fingers for 40 marks. Private Uni lecturers are skeptical but one Dr. Oludare Nayora of Obafemi Awolowo University says, “I don’t really care. I’m still going to…”

Government clears 13 000 acres of forest for construction of a new Anti-Deforestation policy complex.

Osun state government announces new plan for Osun airport. Gov. Oyetola says estimated date of completion is six months before Jesus comes. Maybe five.

Proposed MKO Abiola international airport in Osun to gulp N69bln | The  Guardian Nigeria News - Nigeria and World NewsNigeria — The Guardian  Nigeria News – Nigeria and World News

Buhari advises Nigerians to learn Mandarin, says it might actually prove necessary, as he finalizes the contract to sell Nigeria to China.

Vice Preident Osinbanjo kidnaps President Buhari, demands 10 million bitcoin in cash.

Queen Elizabeth declared last week that she regrets making Nigeria, having been scammed of her famous royal jewels. She just wanted to help the poor Nigerian prince in need, who had claimed to be Meghan Markle’s cousin and if sending her crown through Western Union would do that,

Meghan Markle and Prince Harry's son Archie is not a prince but he's still  in line for the British throne - ABC News

Worldwide Association for Dementia happy to have a representation for demented people in Nigeria’s government. Dr Hakeem stated, “it’s nice to know that demented people can be anything they put their mind to, even become president.”

An interview with an armed robber proves that many Nigerians that claim to be sapa, or poor, actually have a lot of rich people stuff. On the bright side, the armed robber has gone on a mission to make them sapa.

Local student insists on practicing selfcare, letting her last chance at a GPA above 3.0 slip away. Ola Rita of University of Ibadan tells our reporters, “I’m tired of all this stress. I just need to live a baby girl lifestyle.” So she slowly lets herself spiral into a 1,0 GPA

Veteran better retires from betting. After making over a hundred million naira from betting Nigeria will get progressively worse, she has failed to find anyone willing to dare hope Nigeria will be better.

Schools shut down because of 200 idiots that let themselves get kidnapped. In an interview, Bashir Salihi Magashi, Minister of Defense says, “These children get stupider by the year. Didn’t they learn from Chibok girls. What’s the point of all the nation’s sport programs if they

Wizkid and Burna Boy say Grammy win only possible because of Buhari’s love and support. Wizkid, told our reporters in an interview, “Bubu is the real gee, man. He’s my inspiration. He’s my muse. The real Daddy yo!”

FG congratulates Burna Boy, Wizkid over Grammy awards – Punch Newspapers

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